Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.