Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on