When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
You Might Also Like
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika