caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
A roof is a house hat.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”