flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.