Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This is not me but this is me
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM