Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
You Might Also Like
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]