My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
screw you
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
i wish i could marry a nap