Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
You Might Also Like
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I think this should do it.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.