Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You Might Also Like
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}