Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person