You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You Might Also Like
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*