The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
There’s never enough good news
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”