Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s