By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”