I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.