Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
⛄️
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.