I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.