the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
You Might Also Like
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*