Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Just a bush.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.