My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
You Might Also Like
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Growing up was a huge mistake
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
not seeing the problem
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.