Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different