“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
that lip filler tho
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”