Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid