The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
You Might Also Like
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
philosophical skeletons be like