I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
We all have our pet causes.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”