Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Why is no one talking about this?!
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”