How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.