the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Good morning
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
wtf management?!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
They did not think through this water fountain
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]