My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
i think both sides are to blame here
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”