Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
omg leave her alone
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
huge if true: the moon
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.