I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.