[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.