Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*