i think we should see other cousins
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.