Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better