so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”