Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Not helping
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.