4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?