My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Festive toon…
I’d hang this in my house.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.