Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.