genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Pringles
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah