Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?