not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I told my vodka about you.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.