Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Perfect
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.