[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Happy Caturday!
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
bury ourselves
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb