“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.