Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Become a minion. Get that bread.