Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Beware of the dog..
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal