“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that